Thursday, December 26, 2013
Happy Holidays!
Two thirds of the hard part is done! I've successfully done two major holidays alone and I haven't killed myself. Not that I was thinking about doing it or anything. Well maybe I was sub-conciously thinking about it. Since every social media outlet I had was flooded with friends and family enjoying the holidays but I digress, somewhat.
So since my mother died and my sister has relocated against her will to Jean, Nevada. This was really my first Holiday season alone. Now to be fair the Holidays were never really much in my household. Thanksgiving was synonymous with my birthday growing up. So we'd always have a really big meal and a lot of the food choices were of my direction. It made me feel like I was in charge. I'd get gifts nothing major really. I always just wanted a specific video game and a few subscriptions to video game magazines and I was set. Eventually as my mom got older we kinda wound down all the Thanksgiving stuff. She didn't want to cook, neither did my sister or I. My dad tried one year. All we managed to do was complain how everything was wrong. What a great family we were right?
Christmas was kind of more of the same. My mom from as far back as I can remember didn't tell me about "Santa Claus" and explained to me how he wasn't real. She was the one getting all the gifts, wrapping them and hiding them. She also explained to me that some kids believe in Santa and that it was okay that they did so. I didn't need to take the wind out of their sails and tell them what Santa wasn't real (I now realize this is how she was preparing me to deal with religion) All of the gifts I usually got during Christmas were necessities. Lots of clothes, shoes, AA batteries, stuff for the new year. Sometimes I'd get video games or toys thrown in there. The reasoning for this is that unlike most families I wasn't limited to two times a year to get gifts. I got stuff year round. When I got my Sega genesis. I just came home and it was set up on the TV. I didn't even notice it for the first hour.
So they holidays were really just about spending time with my family. We were very close and very tight-knit. We didn't have a lot to do with our extended families. We just kept to our selves and did our own thing. Except this year. I had no family. I just muddled around the apartment clearly depressed but not wanting to admit it.
Next is New Years which we really didn't have a huge tradition. We'd spend time together as my mother and father firmly believed that "Whatever you're doing at the beginning of the new year is what you're going to spend that new year doing." Oh we'd also put beans in our purses and wallets.. but I don't even know what that was about.
The real issue here is that my mother passed away new years of last year. So let's see if I can get through this without hanging myself off of the balcony! If you guys don't hear from me on Jan. 2nd. I'm so sorry but I love you all!
Monday, December 2, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Left hand rule.
Let's talk about my move to LA. My dad said its totally okay with him if I move to Califonia and stay with him to go to school. I've decided to take him up on his offer. It'll give me a chance to try to go to school full time which is something I've been wanting to do for quite sometime but as it stands now the only thing I can do is go to work to earn just enough money to survive and keep my head above water. I've made promises to several people in my life that I'd graduate college. No matter how long it takes. Its something that I'm going to do no matter how long it takes.
I'm excited and terrified to move to California at the same time. It's a new place filled with culture and history. I've visited several times and it seems like the place is the city for me. Major metropolitan city that'll I'll be able to discover and explore. The downside? I wont know anyone and I'll be totally alone. I wont have any friends or any acquaintances. It'll just be me and the big city.
You might think "Oh that's no problem. Just make friends!" That's not quite something I've learned how to do. When I was 6 years old we moved to Mississippi which was a complete culture shock. I went from living in Vegas to the god damn boondocks of Mississippi. Everything was new and different it took me quite some time to get adjusted. I was constantly teased and made fun of school because I was different. To them I talked funny, wore weird clothes and didn't understand all of their customs. Eventually I just faked my way through until I figured out what was going on. However little did I know I was always going to be "that one weird kid" from the city for the rest of my time in school there and it was horrible. Sure I had my family and they always had my back but from outside of that I was fodder for everyone and their crude remarks. People always lashed out at me because they were insecure with themselves. Have girls tell you everyday that you're ugly and funny looking and no girl will ever like you will wear down anyone with enough time. Later to only find out that these girls LIKED me but didn't know how to express it. What kind of fucked up shit is that? I asked my dad was was going on since he was from here. These were his stomping grounds. Surely he could shine some light onto the situation. The only thing he could tell me is "That's just the way it is.."
Then puberty hits and that's just giant gap of awkward combined with being forever excluded in a school system really fucks with you. Eventually I rounded out my puberty and when 10th grade hit thanks to my academics, quick wit (which was often called 'sass' and was seen as being disrespectful) and my laissez-faire approach to dealing with people I slowly felt myself carving a niche in the dirty dirty souf. Then it happened.
We moved.
My mom told me roughly 3 days before we were moving that it was happening. My last day of school when they came to pick me up I sat in the back of our van and cried. I mean I finally did it. I made my way into these people and carved myself out as an individual. Now I get to do it all over again in a strange new world? Well if I could do it once I can do it again.
Back to Vegas. Which is a good thing right? Back to civilization. Dealing with people who pronounce ALL of letters in words! Except one thing.. after being in the South for so long I adapted my ways to deal with them. Super thick country accent and would talk very loud for no reason. I wasn't quite aware of somethings like having to BUY lunch as in the south it was provided for you. We also had the option to LEAVE the school for lunch. There were several fast food places around the school and if you were one of the fortunate to have a car you could DRIVE where you wanted to go. In Mississippi there was only one real fast food place (well two if you count the subway inside the Ace hardware store) that was only accessable by car and there was absolutely no open campus lunches you ate the horrible shit they made and you ENJOYED IT.
It was the last quarter of the year and it was bumpy. I didn't understand the two lunch system (there's an A lunch and a B lunch. After your 4th hour class if you were in group A you went to lunch for an hour THEN you went to your next class. If you were in B group after 4th you'd go to your 5th hour class THEN you went to lunch) as in Mississippi the entire school went to lunch at once. Seems efficient right? Well it's not. Giant lines and often times the cafeteria would run out of food. However the school system in Vegas treated you like a young adult. While in Mississippi they treated you like a slave or an inmate. I mean in Mississippi when we got our lunches we had to recite a number. If you didn't know your number you didn't eat for the day.
Eventually after dealing with several write ups for skipping my 5th hour class and going to lunch for 2 hours along with getting used to navigating a school thats three times as big as your old high school and accusations of being illegally enrolled in a school. Yeah thats right. Illegally enrolled in a school. Let me explain
For those of you who don't know. This is the good ole state of Mississippi and all of its counties. I lived in Wilkinson County which is in the lower left corner of the state.
The city that I went to school in was as its listed above is Woodville. What this map doesn't show you and I couldn't find one that did show you are all the suburbs, communities and housing areas all over Wilkinson county. Since technically they aren't cities but they are there. You have areas such as Buffalo, Doloraso and I can't think of any others at the moment. The point being everyone inside Wilkinson county was bussed into Woodville to go to the same school. Elementary and high school was conjoined. Often times it meant you had to get up at 5am to ride the buss to be into school at 8am. Then leave at 3:30-4:00 to be at home at 6:00-6:30 depending. It was horrible.
http://www.ccsd.net/schools/zoning/maps/hs-attendance-boundaries.pdf
Here is a link to the map for the school district in clark county. There is probably 15-25 schools there. Since I didn't know my address and I couldn't explain to anyone where I lived they assumed I lived in a different area and I was illegally enrolled in school. There was a 2week period where I was temporarily ex-pulsed and I wasn't allowed to go to any school until my parents came down with proof of residency which we didn't have since we just moved back. It's a big deal because schools get allotted resources based on what their projected estimates are for the year. Illegal enrollments take money from schools that aren't budgeted for them and creates huge issues with resources.
I made some friends and slowly started working my way through the social system again. I mean don't they say in high school the friends you make there will be the friends you have for the rest of your life or something stupid? I figured I could do it. I made some friends. I joined the drama group. Those kids were kooky and weird just like me! I finish the year out and make plans to try to meet friends and go from there. I even have some girls approach me and tell me that they liked me. WHAT KIND OF BIZZARO WORLD WAS I IN? Then it happened.
We moved.
So the deal on the house we put in didn't quite come through like it should have and they were unwinding the deal. My parents were sour from dealing with trying to get into a house and found a 2br apartment. They waited until the last possible moment to spring the news because they weren't sure how I was gonna act.
I flipped out. I was beyond upset. I couldn't believe they were doing this to me again. I worked hard finishing out the year and making friends and doing all this crap. The only advice they could give me was "well if you did it once you can do it again right?" No. Fuck that shit. I was done. I mean what's the point if they were going to pull the rug out from under me again? Fucking no. So at this new high school I spent my last two years not giving a single fuck about anything. Making friends, academics, or anything. Which then lead to me being annoyed and irritated by people who had the joys of making friends, not moving, and dealing with the same groups of people their whole life. To this day I feel resent towards those people. Those feelings carried on into my pofessional career where now I'm not trying to make friends with people. I just wanna do my job then get the fuck out.
Now I realize how stupid and immature I was. Now I feel like I'm too old (which is a recurring thing in my life) to make friends or that I don't know how to do it as an adult. So I don't. I just sit at home and play video games. Which is something I enjoy while looking out the window yearning for something more.. or a new video game.
Moving to California (HEY LOOK DIGRESSION) is a great place for me to try to come to terms with that part of myself and try my hand and making friends as an adult, exchanging email/cell numbers, scheduling dates to hang out with people and try to intermix with their group of friends. It horrifies me.. but we'll see how this works.
I'm excited and terrified to move to California at the same time. It's a new place filled with culture and history. I've visited several times and it seems like the place is the city for me. Major metropolitan city that'll I'll be able to discover and explore. The downside? I wont know anyone and I'll be totally alone. I wont have any friends or any acquaintances. It'll just be me and the big city.
You might think "Oh that's no problem. Just make friends!" That's not quite something I've learned how to do. When I was 6 years old we moved to Mississippi which was a complete culture shock. I went from living in Vegas to the god damn boondocks of Mississippi. Everything was new and different it took me quite some time to get adjusted. I was constantly teased and made fun of school because I was different. To them I talked funny, wore weird clothes and didn't understand all of their customs. Eventually I just faked my way through until I figured out what was going on. However little did I know I was always going to be "that one weird kid" from the city for the rest of my time in school there and it was horrible. Sure I had my family and they always had my back but from outside of that I was fodder for everyone and their crude remarks. People always lashed out at me because they were insecure with themselves. Have girls tell you everyday that you're ugly and funny looking and no girl will ever like you will wear down anyone with enough time. Later to only find out that these girls LIKED me but didn't know how to express it. What kind of fucked up shit is that? I asked my dad was was going on since he was from here. These were his stomping grounds. Surely he could shine some light onto the situation. The only thing he could tell me is "That's just the way it is.."
Then puberty hits and that's just giant gap of awkward combined with being forever excluded in a school system really fucks with you. Eventually I rounded out my puberty and when 10th grade hit thanks to my academics, quick wit (which was often called 'sass' and was seen as being disrespectful) and my laissez-faire approach to dealing with people I slowly felt myself carving a niche in the dirty dirty souf. Then it happened.
We moved.
My mom told me roughly 3 days before we were moving that it was happening. My last day of school when they came to pick me up I sat in the back of our van and cried. I mean I finally did it. I made my way into these people and carved myself out as an individual. Now I get to do it all over again in a strange new world? Well if I could do it once I can do it again.
Back to Vegas. Which is a good thing right? Back to civilization. Dealing with people who pronounce ALL of letters in words! Except one thing.. after being in the South for so long I adapted my ways to deal with them. Super thick country accent and would talk very loud for no reason. I wasn't quite aware of somethings like having to BUY lunch as in the south it was provided for you. We also had the option to LEAVE the school for lunch. There were several fast food places around the school and if you were one of the fortunate to have a car you could DRIVE where you wanted to go. In Mississippi there was only one real fast food place (well two if you count the subway inside the Ace hardware store) that was only accessable by car and there was absolutely no open campus lunches you ate the horrible shit they made and you ENJOYED IT.
It was the last quarter of the year and it was bumpy. I didn't understand the two lunch system (there's an A lunch and a B lunch. After your 4th hour class if you were in group A you went to lunch for an hour THEN you went to your next class. If you were in B group after 4th you'd go to your 5th hour class THEN you went to lunch) as in Mississippi the entire school went to lunch at once. Seems efficient right? Well it's not. Giant lines and often times the cafeteria would run out of food. However the school system in Vegas treated you like a young adult. While in Mississippi they treated you like a slave or an inmate. I mean in Mississippi when we got our lunches we had to recite a number. If you didn't know your number you didn't eat for the day.
Eventually after dealing with several write ups for skipping my 5th hour class and going to lunch for 2 hours along with getting used to navigating a school thats three times as big as your old high school and accusations of being illegally enrolled in a school. Yeah thats right. Illegally enrolled in a school. Let me explain
For those of you who don't know. This is the good ole state of Mississippi and all of its counties. I lived in Wilkinson County which is in the lower left corner of the state.
The city that I went to school in was as its listed above is Woodville. What this map doesn't show you and I couldn't find one that did show you are all the suburbs, communities and housing areas all over Wilkinson county. Since technically they aren't cities but they are there. You have areas such as Buffalo, Doloraso and I can't think of any others at the moment. The point being everyone inside Wilkinson county was bussed into Woodville to go to the same school. Elementary and high school was conjoined. Often times it meant you had to get up at 5am to ride the buss to be into school at 8am. Then leave at 3:30-4:00 to be at home at 6:00-6:30 depending. It was horrible.
http://www.ccsd.net/schools/zoning/maps/hs-attendance-boundaries.pdf
Here is a link to the map for the school district in clark county. There is probably 15-25 schools there. Since I didn't know my address and I couldn't explain to anyone where I lived they assumed I lived in a different area and I was illegally enrolled in school. There was a 2week period where I was temporarily ex-pulsed and I wasn't allowed to go to any school until my parents came down with proof of residency which we didn't have since we just moved back. It's a big deal because schools get allotted resources based on what their projected estimates are for the year. Illegal enrollments take money from schools that aren't budgeted for them and creates huge issues with resources.
I made some friends and slowly started working my way through the social system again. I mean don't they say in high school the friends you make there will be the friends you have for the rest of your life or something stupid? I figured I could do it. I made some friends. I joined the drama group. Those kids were kooky and weird just like me! I finish the year out and make plans to try to meet friends and go from there. I even have some girls approach me and tell me that they liked me. WHAT KIND OF BIZZARO WORLD WAS I IN? Then it happened.
We moved.
So the deal on the house we put in didn't quite come through like it should have and they were unwinding the deal. My parents were sour from dealing with trying to get into a house and found a 2br apartment. They waited until the last possible moment to spring the news because they weren't sure how I was gonna act.
I flipped out. I was beyond upset. I couldn't believe they were doing this to me again. I worked hard finishing out the year and making friends and doing all this crap. The only advice they could give me was "well if you did it once you can do it again right?" No. Fuck that shit. I was done. I mean what's the point if they were going to pull the rug out from under me again? Fucking no. So at this new high school I spent my last two years not giving a single fuck about anything. Making friends, academics, or anything. Which then lead to me being annoyed and irritated by people who had the joys of making friends, not moving, and dealing with the same groups of people their whole life. To this day I feel resent towards those people. Those feelings carried on into my pofessional career where now I'm not trying to make friends with people. I just wanna do my job then get the fuck out.
Now I realize how stupid and immature I was. Now I feel like I'm too old (which is a recurring thing in my life) to make friends or that I don't know how to do it as an adult. So I don't. I just sit at home and play video games. Which is something I enjoy while looking out the window yearning for something more.. or a new video game.
Moving to California (HEY LOOK DIGRESSION) is a great place for me to try to come to terms with that part of myself and try my hand and making friends as an adult, exchanging email/cell numbers, scheduling dates to hang out with people and try to intermix with their group of friends. It horrifies me.. but we'll see how this works.
Monday, November 4, 2013
FATFACE.JPG
So let's talk about body image. I'll try to keep the tumblr level of this post somewhat low because I don't want to devolve into one of those curmudgeons. I weight 248lbs (108 kilos for my metric friends) This is probably the heaviest I've been in my life. Now before you all shreik and recoil in horror at my weight let me share another thing with you. I'm 6'5''. So now my weight doesn't seem like that big of a deal right?
Well it is to me. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Most of the weight came from around when my mom died since all I did was mostly eat and just lay in the bed. Hey I'm not trying to be a broken record here. My mom dying was a huge deal for me. It's gotten to the point now where I'm seriously skipping meals. I'm maybe down to eating a meal a day with some healthy snacks. Sometimes depending I'll just skip meals altogether. Is what I'm doing healthy? No. Is it giving me the results I want? You bet your ass. I was 280lbs earlier this year when I went to PAX. Thats when I deceided something needed to be done. No crazy diets or taking any pills. Just eating less and trying not to be as sedentary. Since I've started working in IT I've spent a lot of time just sitting on my ass. I've starting doing some Kung Fu and I have some personal training with some MMA/Bouncer guys during the week. I also spend some time at my job using the freeweights that they have as attempt to not be so god damned weak. I have no muscle mass. I'm litterally just a wheat aldente sphagetti noodle.
While I'm not getting the results I want (Hey, I wanna be skinny and beautiful and I want it now) I'm happy with whats happening. If you asked me for a goal I'd have to say its either get down 200lbs (90kilos) or less or to just not be as fat and as lethargic as I've become. Maybe get this gut and these thunder thighs I have under control. There's nothing I can do about the stretch marks I've got from gaining weight. I guess that means I wont be taking my shirt off anywhere anytime soon.
If all goes well I might be going to California and there they have an entirely different standard of beauty. I'm like a 8 in Vegas which filters down to like a 5-6 in California.. and its not like I have a super great personality to make it up for it.
Now I'm sure there are people out there that will say things like "Your weight doesn't determine who you are" and "You should be happy with you no matter what" blah blah. I appreciate your kind words but you have to realize. If there's something about you that you don't like you always the power and the option to change it. Well except being black, you're pretty screwed if you're black. BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT POST FOR A DIFFERENT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
Oh god. Maybe I do have body dismorphia
Well it is to me. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Most of the weight came from around when my mom died since all I did was mostly eat and just lay in the bed. Hey I'm not trying to be a broken record here. My mom dying was a huge deal for me. It's gotten to the point now where I'm seriously skipping meals. I'm maybe down to eating a meal a day with some healthy snacks. Sometimes depending I'll just skip meals altogether. Is what I'm doing healthy? No. Is it giving me the results I want? You bet your ass. I was 280lbs earlier this year when I went to PAX. Thats when I deceided something needed to be done. No crazy diets or taking any pills. Just eating less and trying not to be as sedentary. Since I've started working in IT I've spent a lot of time just sitting on my ass. I've starting doing some Kung Fu and I have some personal training with some MMA/Bouncer guys during the week. I also spend some time at my job using the freeweights that they have as attempt to not be so god damned weak. I have no muscle mass. I'm litterally just a wheat aldente sphagetti noodle.
While I'm not getting the results I want (Hey, I wanna be skinny and beautiful and I want it now) I'm happy with whats happening. If you asked me for a goal I'd have to say its either get down 200lbs (90kilos) or less or to just not be as fat and as lethargic as I've become. Maybe get this gut and these thunder thighs I have under control. There's nothing I can do about the stretch marks I've got from gaining weight. I guess that means I wont be taking my shirt off anywhere anytime soon.
If all goes well I might be going to California and there they have an entirely different standard of beauty. I'm like a 8 in Vegas which filters down to like a 5-6 in California.. and its not like I have a super great personality to make it up for it.
Now I'm sure there are people out there that will say things like "Your weight doesn't determine who you are" and "You should be happy with you no matter what" blah blah. I appreciate your kind words but you have to realize. If there's something about you that you don't like you always the power and the option to change it. Well except being black, you're pretty screwed if you're black. BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT POST FOR A DIFFERENT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
Oh god. Maybe I do have body dismorphia
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Continum Shift
I was going to continue writing those exerts from me growing up but then I realized it made me abysmally depressed. For those of you who don't know my mom passed away recently and it was something that really knocked me for a loop. I spiraled into depression. I didn't know what to do with my life. I just sat around and stayed in the bed for an extended period of time. Maybe I'll get into that later into a different blog but I'm not feeling so mopey right now so that will have to wait.
I actually have no idea what to do with this blog other than just write random shit about random things and try to let people into my life. I'm somewhat of a private person. I'm definitely not the type of person who's just gonna walk up to some random guy on the street and start talking about my life. That's how you get serial killed and that's not something I'm looking for in my life just yet.
The next major thing that's happening in my life is I'll be moving to LA to stay with my dad and hopefully get enrolled in college so I can have the college experience I never had. Vegas is full of a lot of bad memories (mostly relating to my dad mom) and its a city that I feel has run its course. This just isn't a city for me. I'm not looking to go out and party at night and get white girl wasted and fight a guy or two. I just want to find some events, do somethings, meet new people and have fun. A good number of people in Vegas seem to be pre-occupied with partying.
I like playing video games; mostly fighting games. I've been playing them all my life. You'd think "Video games are popular right? You should totally be able to find a place to do that in Vegas?" Well you're wrong. We have zero arcades that are not located inside a casino or ones that would let us bring our own equipment and leech off of the power. People here don't really want to leave their house and do things. I'm guilty of this too at times but my reasoning is "I'm not going to drive an hour across town to play some games for 30-40 minutes because I have to get back across town to go to work or sleep in time to be able to go to work." We used to have a centralized place in Vegas where everyone would play. They closed though.. claiming the rent was "too high" Sure. Whatever.
I enjoy "japanese culture" I know how 'weeaboo' that sounds but hear me out. I grew up watching martial arts movies with my dad on sundays with Kung Fu theatre. Yeah you know, those terribly dubbed martial art movies. Then we bridged over to anime and from there I was able to get into manga and find out more about japan. There its okay to be a "nerd" they have a culture that embraces it. You see salarymen on the train with a DS playing pokemon and no one is calling them a pedophile. It's not uncommon to see a bunch of salary workers at an arcade playing games after work. Everyone reads manga and watches anime there. It's not something thats "for kids" just like people in America crowd around a T.V. and watch Walking Dead the same happens there but with One Piece. So many hobbies and activities in America have connotation of being "for kids" and people that are into those hobbies need to "grow up" and its fucking infuriating.
Sorry I went off on a little tangent there. Digression: I'm really looking forward to this LA trip just so I can have a change of scenery and be somewhere else and possibly re-invent myself. Plus the ocean!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Let me curry their favor.
My first year of college was pretty.. interesting. After speaking with the counselor who ended up being completely useless I was able to bypass CIT 100 which is "This is a computer. Here is the power button." But they would not let me test out of anything else. I mean I took programming in high school and by this point I was already fixing my own piece of shit computer so I was fairly advanced when it came to the hardware. None the less I was able to take a "Introductory to Java" class along with some core classes and Japanese! Somehow I ended up with a part time job at the bookstore on campus so I could help my mom with expenses around the house and have some money so I could buy a bus pass. I was balling out of control.
First day of class I bounce into the Java class all bright eyed and bushy tailed I've always been when it came to school. My teacher introduces himself. I have no idea what he said. Maybe I'm just having an off day? The adrenaline of being in college is surging and because of it I'm not able to understand this guy. He starts going on with his lecture and I look around and everyone else has the same puzzled look on his face. They don't know what this guy is saying. He has a very thick Indian(Dot not feather) accent. He'd ask us questions through the lecture and no one answers anything. Which of course sends him into a fit because we should be able to answer the questions he's just given us the answer to right? NOPE. But no one wants to man up and say anything because.. you know.. no one wants to be rude. Except me. Towards the end of the class he gives us a homework assignment and everyone grimaces because no one knows what it is. Seeing the despair amongst everyone's face I decided to bite the bullet and become the hero and savior of the class!
"Professor.. " I raise my hand. I can feel his eyes staring daggers into me. "Can you repeat the homework assignment? I didn't hear it." Again he says something unintelligible. "Professor could you write it down on the board? You have a thick accent. Its a little hard to understand you." At this point he flips completely and goes into the red zone. He starts saying... well a bunch of stuff. I have no idea what it is but its what imagined was a bunch of insults as if I've offended his core being. I keep apologizing and bowing. Why was I bowing I have no ideal... the guy wasn't Asian. Then he looks at me and says in the slowest English ever "I. will. make. sure. you. will. never. pass. a. programming. class. ever." and stormed out. Everyone in the class kinda just stared at me their eyes saying "Thank you, Savior" but no one having the balls.. methior social aptitude to say anything to me. I go back by the counselors office after class and explain the situation to my counselor. A middle aged African American man. I'd built somewhat of a rapport with him. He was excited that I was a young black male who was pursuing a college education.. pulling myself up by the bootstraps and not falling into trap of the ghetto. Which wasn't really a threat.. I came from a middle class family with parents who loved and cared about me. The ghetto was the farthest thing away. My parents made me watch MenaceIISociety at a young age.
I explain the situation to him he gets up and closes the door. He tells me "Well that's those Hajis for you." My eyes open wide as if a child just hear a really bad swear word. "They have the entire IT department in between their fingers. They come over here on their sacred cows and lock up whole departments. If he said you're never going to pass a programming class he's probably already sent a message back to the Taj Mahal and you're screwed. The best thing I can recommend is to just drop the class and avoid all last names that aren't American." I was blown back the amazing amounts of bigotry I was just exposed to. This guy said everything just as plain as vanilla ice cream. Which leads me to believe this is probably a common occurrence and he's not only said it several times but already had a resolution for the situation. I explained to him with my Financial Aid if I dropped the class I had to pay it back Which wasn't really an option for me considering I was raking in an awesome 17 hours a week at the bookstore. He leaned into his computer.. pulled up my name.. did some clicking around and then he had my out. "Oh I have your answer for you! You're on FAFSA right?" I nod my head, not exactly sure where he's going with this. "Well since you're taking six classes you can drop a maximum of 2 for whatever reason. Still be a full-time student, not have to pay back and still be eligible for FAFSA next year!" I was uneasey with the whole situation. I felt like I was committing some kind of fraud. I didn't want to do to prison. You know what they do to cute guys like me in prison?
I tell the guy its something I'll have to think about. I wanted to go home and run the situation by my mother first and see what she thought of it all. Oh my way out he prints a list and tells me. "There are all the black professors and what classes they teach. If you use this next time you won't have any problems." He nods. Not a normal nod.. the nod you see two black men do on the street so that they acknowledge each other. Come on I know you've seen it! You can admit it. Its not racist.
I didn't wanna drop the class. I felt like it was a terrible way to get my college education off to a start. I also had somewhat of a moral objection to doing what was suggested to me. I was kinda worried at first. "Is this the way the world works? Major issues and problems are ignored in favor of bandaid fixes that appeases one party involved? Just so they don't make a big fuss over the whole situation?
I went home to my mother and had a conversation that I'm sure changed me as a person in a very major way.
First day of class I bounce into the Java class all bright eyed and bushy tailed I've always been when it came to school. My teacher introduces himself. I have no idea what he said. Maybe I'm just having an off day? The adrenaline of being in college is surging and because of it I'm not able to understand this guy. He starts going on with his lecture and I look around and everyone else has the same puzzled look on his face. They don't know what this guy is saying. He has a very thick Indian(Dot not feather) accent. He'd ask us questions through the lecture and no one answers anything. Which of course sends him into a fit because we should be able to answer the questions he's just given us the answer to right? NOPE. But no one wants to man up and say anything because.. you know.. no one wants to be rude. Except me. Towards the end of the class he gives us a homework assignment and everyone grimaces because no one knows what it is. Seeing the despair amongst everyone's face I decided to bite the bullet and become the hero and savior of the class!
"Professor.. " I raise my hand. I can feel his eyes staring daggers into me. "Can you repeat the homework assignment? I didn't hear it." Again he says something unintelligible. "Professor could you write it down on the board? You have a thick accent. Its a little hard to understand you." At this point he flips completely and goes into the red zone. He starts saying... well a bunch of stuff. I have no idea what it is but its what imagined was a bunch of insults as if I've offended his core being. I keep apologizing and bowing. Why was I bowing I have no ideal... the guy wasn't Asian. Then he looks at me and says in the slowest English ever "I. will. make. sure. you. will. never. pass. a. programming. class. ever." and stormed out. Everyone in the class kinda just stared at me their eyes saying "Thank you, Savior" but no one having the balls.. methior social aptitude to say anything to me. I go back by the counselors office after class and explain the situation to my counselor. A middle aged African American man. I'd built somewhat of a rapport with him. He was excited that I was a young black male who was pursuing a college education.. pulling myself up by the bootstraps and not falling into trap of the ghetto. Which wasn't really a threat.. I came from a middle class family with parents who loved and cared about me. The ghetto was the farthest thing away. My parents made me watch MenaceIISociety at a young age.
I explain the situation to him he gets up and closes the door. He tells me "Well that's those Hajis for you." My eyes open wide as if a child just hear a really bad swear word. "They have the entire IT department in between their fingers. They come over here on their sacred cows and lock up whole departments. If he said you're never going to pass a programming class he's probably already sent a message back to the Taj Mahal and you're screwed. The best thing I can recommend is to just drop the class and avoid all last names that aren't American." I was blown back the amazing amounts of bigotry I was just exposed to. This guy said everything just as plain as vanilla ice cream. Which leads me to believe this is probably a common occurrence and he's not only said it several times but already had a resolution for the situation. I explained to him with my Financial Aid if I dropped the class I had to pay it back Which wasn't really an option for me considering I was raking in an awesome 17 hours a week at the bookstore. He leaned into his computer.. pulled up my name.. did some clicking around and then he had my out. "Oh I have your answer for you! You're on FAFSA right?" I nod my head, not exactly sure where he's going with this. "Well since you're taking six classes you can drop a maximum of 2 for whatever reason. Still be a full-time student, not have to pay back and still be eligible for FAFSA next year!" I was uneasey with the whole situation. I felt like I was committing some kind of fraud. I didn't want to do to prison. You know what they do to cute guys like me in prison?
I tell the guy its something I'll have to think about. I wanted to go home and run the situation by my mother first and see what she thought of it all. Oh my way out he prints a list and tells me. "There are all the black professors and what classes they teach. If you use this next time you won't have any problems." He nods. Not a normal nod.. the nod you see two black men do on the street so that they acknowledge each other. Come on I know you've seen it! You can admit it. Its not racist.
I didn't wanna drop the class. I felt like it was a terrible way to get my college education off to a start. I also had somewhat of a moral objection to doing what was suggested to me. I was kinda worried at first. "Is this the way the world works? Major issues and problems are ignored in favor of bandaid fixes that appeases one party involved? Just so they don't make a big fuss over the whole situation?
I went home to my mother and had a conversation that I'm sure changed me as a person in a very major way.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Every end has a beginning.
When I was a kid.. I had big dreams. I'd finish high school and go to college. I'd meet the girl of my dreams do an internship at a nice fortune 100 company and work there while pursing my masters. Eventually get married and have a nice small wedding off the coast of Italy. I'd work hard at my job.. "the company" I'd call it. Eventually work my way into a nice cushy position..maybe even make partner while taking vacations every six months to far off and exotic lands. Surprisingly enough things didn't go that way at all!
Oh right I should probably introduce myself. That's how these things usually go right? Let me introduce myself. The youngest of three siblings and the only male!! I'm Kasey a mid twenties African America, or as some would say black, male who still has big dreams for the future.. amidst the bouts of despair I have of the past, for the present and for the future. So stay a while and listen.. and I'll try not to have this end up being too depressing.
So of course my whole plan for my future was dependent on my future. I graduated high school and my plan was to limp through community college with financial aid and hopefully get accepted to the local university. To be honest I'm a smart person.. I did just enough to get through high school like an average student. I didn't take ACTs or SATs because no one at the highschool I went to didn't really seem to care about its students so they never brought it up.
My dad wanted me to immediately go get a job and head into the workforce, much like he did. Except my dad dropped out of school at around 9th grade and left his country bumpkin life in Mississippi. He made the move to California where he lived in weekly motels and worked moving things at Grand Central Market. So obviously he wanted his only son to follow in his foot steps. EXCEPT. I've never worked a day in my life. I was the baby.. the only son. Everything was handed to me on a silver platter and often times I refused it and demanded a gold one. I mean who would say no?
I pleaded with my dad to let me go to college and try to get a part time job.. maybe at the university? However he was having none of that. I was to get up.. the day after my graduation and start applying to every fast food place within two bus routes and find a job and start working. There was no wiggle room or anything. So what was there for me to do? The same thing that kids do every time one of their parents do something that they don't like. You tell the other one! After my dad left and went somewhere I burst into my moms bedroom with tear rolling down my face. I leap into her lap and rest my head on her chest.. I know my mother. Anything I ask at this point isn't going to be refused. I could tell my mom some strange man touched me on the bus and she would kill. That man for various reasons this isn't something I went to the well on too many times thought it is always nice to have an Ace. My mom asks me whats going on.. and I explain to her the whole situation with my dad. She gives me a nice deep hug and tells me that I don't have to worry about anything. She was going to go with me to the college tomorrow and help me get registered for some classes. My dad comes home and my parents have the argument to end all arguments... little did I know my little number caused more damage than I could have ever possibly predicted.
My first week of college my parents came to a mutual decision to terminate the contract between them. For those of you who don't get that.. they decided to get a divorce and go their separate ways. Now all parents fight... people are going to disagree.. and sometimes you're not going to be able to bow out gracefully. I figured it was going to be one of those fights where they're mad at each other for a few days and it blows over. Not this time. I guess my dad wanted me to not pursue education was so vile for my mother that she just blew up completely on him and he just couldn't take it. They wanted me to know that it wasn't my fault (Of course it wasn't.. I was just the catalyst that caused the whole fight..) and they both still loved me. My dad was going to stay in Vegas but he found himself a nice small house near a letter named street and would live there while working at my Aunt's(on my moms side) restaurant. I'd continue living with my disabled mother(I'll get to this later.. calm down) in her house provided to her by the government....
I don't know about you guys but I feel like the best way to start is with a nice wholesome story about how a child who's thinking long term.. (and doesn't want to work because he's lazy) caused his parents to get a divorce and split up is the great way to start a blog!
Oh right I should probably introduce myself. That's how these things usually go right? Let me introduce myself. The youngest of three siblings and the only male!! I'm Kasey a mid twenties African America, or as some would say black, male who still has big dreams for the future.. amidst the bouts of despair I have of the past, for the present and for the future. So stay a while and listen.. and I'll try not to have this end up being too depressing.
So of course my whole plan for my future was dependent on my future. I graduated high school and my plan was to limp through community college with financial aid and hopefully get accepted to the local university. To be honest I'm a smart person.. I did just enough to get through high school like an average student. I didn't take ACTs or SATs because no one at the highschool I went to didn't really seem to care about its students so they never brought it up.
My dad wanted me to immediately go get a job and head into the workforce, much like he did. Except my dad dropped out of school at around 9th grade and left his country bumpkin life in Mississippi. He made the move to California where he lived in weekly motels and worked moving things at Grand Central Market. So obviously he wanted his only son to follow in his foot steps. EXCEPT. I've never worked a day in my life. I was the baby.. the only son. Everything was handed to me on a silver platter and often times I refused it and demanded a gold one. I mean who would say no?
I pleaded with my dad to let me go to college and try to get a part time job.. maybe at the university? However he was having none of that. I was to get up.. the day after my graduation and start applying to every fast food place within two bus routes and find a job and start working. There was no wiggle room or anything. So what was there for me to do? The same thing that kids do every time one of their parents do something that they don't like. You tell the other one! After my dad left and went somewhere I burst into my moms bedroom with tear rolling down my face. I leap into her lap and rest my head on her chest.. I know my mother. Anything I ask at this point isn't going to be refused. I could tell my mom some strange man touched me on the bus and she would kill. That man for various reasons this isn't something I went to the well on too many times thought it is always nice to have an Ace. My mom asks me whats going on.. and I explain to her the whole situation with my dad. She gives me a nice deep hug and tells me that I don't have to worry about anything. She was going to go with me to the college tomorrow and help me get registered for some classes. My dad comes home and my parents have the argument to end all arguments... little did I know my little number caused more damage than I could have ever possibly predicted.
My first week of college my parents came to a mutual decision to terminate the contract between them. For those of you who don't get that.. they decided to get a divorce and go their separate ways. Now all parents fight... people are going to disagree.. and sometimes you're not going to be able to bow out gracefully. I figured it was going to be one of those fights where they're mad at each other for a few days and it blows over. Not this time. I guess my dad wanted me to not pursue education was so vile for my mother that she just blew up completely on him and he just couldn't take it. They wanted me to know that it wasn't my fault (Of course it wasn't.. I was just the catalyst that caused the whole fight..) and they both still loved me. My dad was going to stay in Vegas but he found himself a nice small house near a letter named street and would live there while working at my Aunt's(on my moms side) restaurant. I'd continue living with my disabled mother(I'll get to this later.. calm down) in her house provided to her by the government....
I don't know about you guys but I feel like the best way to start is with a nice wholesome story about how a child who's thinking long term.. (and doesn't want to work because he's lazy) caused his parents to get a divorce and split up is the great way to start a blog!
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