FATFACE.JPG

So let's talk about body image. I'll try to keep the tumblr level of this post somewhat low because I don't want to devolve into one of those curmudgeons. I weight 248lbs (108 kilos for my metric friends) This is probably the heaviest I've been in my life. Now before you all shreik and recoil in horror at my weight let me share another thing with you. I'm 6'5''. So now my weight doesn't seem like that big of a deal right?

Well it is to me. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Most of the weight came from around when my mom died since all I did was mostly eat and just lay in the bed. Hey I'm not trying to be a broken record here. My mom dying was a huge deal for me. It's gotten to the point now where I'm seriously skipping meals. I'm maybe down to eating  a meal a day with some healthy snacks. Sometimes depending I'll just skip meals altogether. Is what I'm doing healthy? No. Is it giving me the results I want? You bet your ass. I was 280lbs earlier this year when I went to PAX. Thats when I deceided something needed to be done. No crazy diets or taking any pills. Just eating less and trying not to be as sedentary. Since I've started working in IT I've spent a lot of time just sitting on my ass. I've starting doing some Kung Fu and I have some personal training  with some MMA/Bouncer guys during the week. I also spend some time at my job using the freeweights that they have as attempt to not be so god damned weak. I have no muscle mass. I'm litterally just a wheat aldente sphagetti noodle.

While I'm not getting the results I want (Hey, I wanna be skinny and beautiful and I want it now) I'm happy with whats happening. If you asked me for a goal I'd have to say its either get down 200lbs (90kilos) or less or to just not be as fat and as lethargic as I've become. Maybe get this gut and these thunder thighs I have under control. There's nothing I can do about the stretch marks I've got from gaining weight. I guess that means I wont be taking my shirt off anywhere anytime soon.

If all goes well I might be going to California and there they have an entirely different standard of beauty. I'm like a 8 in Vegas which filters down to like a 5-6 in California.. and its not like I have a super great personality to make it up for it.

Now I'm sure there are people out there that will say things like "Your weight doesn't determine who you are" and "You should be happy with you no matter what" blah blah. I appreciate your kind words but you have to realize. If there's something about you that you don't like you always the power and the option to change it. Well except being black, you're pretty screwed if you're black. BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT POST FOR A DIFFERENT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Oh god. Maybe I do have body dismorphia