Left hand rule.

Let's talk about my move to LA. My dad said its totally okay with him if I move to Califonia and stay with him to go to school. I've decided to take him up on his offer. It'll give me a chance to try to go to school full time which is something I've been wanting to do for quite sometime but as it stands now the only thing I can do is go to work to earn just enough money to survive and keep my head above water. I've made promises to several people in my life that I'd graduate college. No matter how long it takes. Its something that I'm going to do no matter how long it takes.

I'm excited and terrified to move to California at the same time. It's a new place filled with culture and history. I've visited several times and it seems like the place is the city for me. Major metropolitan city that'll I'll be able to discover and explore. The downside? I wont know anyone and I'll be totally alone. I wont have any friends or any acquaintances. It'll just be me and the big city.

You might think "Oh that's no problem. Just make friends!" That's not quite something I've learned how to do. When I was 6 years old we moved to Mississippi which was a complete culture shock. I went from living in Vegas to the god damn boondocks of Mississippi. Everything was new and different it took me quite some time to get adjusted. I was constantly teased and made fun of school because I was different. To them I talked funny, wore weird clothes and didn't understand all of their customs. Eventually I just faked my way through until I figured out what was going on. However little did I know I was always going to be "that one weird kid" from the city for the rest of my time in school there and it was horrible. Sure I had my family and they always had my back but from outside of that I was fodder for everyone and their crude remarks. People always lashed out at me because they were insecure with themselves. Have girls tell you everyday that you're ugly and funny looking and no girl will ever like you will wear down anyone with enough time. Later to only find out that these girls LIKED me but didn't know how to express it. What kind of fucked up shit is that? I asked my dad was was going on since he was from here. These were his stomping grounds. Surely he could shine some light onto the situation. The only thing he could tell me is "That's just the way it is.."

 Then puberty hits and that's just giant gap of awkward combined with being forever excluded in a school system really fucks with you. Eventually I rounded out my puberty and when 10th grade hit thanks to my academics, quick wit (which was often called 'sass' and was seen as being disrespectful) and my laissez-faire approach to dealing with people I slowly felt myself carving a niche in the dirty dirty souf. Then it happened.

We moved.

My mom told me roughly 3 days before we were moving that it was happening. My last day of school when they came to pick me up I sat in the back of our van and cried. I mean I finally did it. I made my way into these people and carved myself out as an individual. Now I get to do it all over again in a strange new world? Well if I could do it once I can do it again.


Back to Vegas. Which is a good thing right? Back to civilization. Dealing with people who pronounce ALL of letters in words! Except one thing.. after being in the South for so long I adapted my ways to deal with them. Super thick country accent and would talk very loud for no reason. I wasn't quite aware of somethings like having to BUY lunch as  in the south it was provided for you. We also had the option to LEAVE the school for lunch. There were several fast food places around the school and if you were one of the fortunate to have a car you could DRIVE where you wanted to go. In Mississippi there was only one real fast food place (well two if you count the subway inside the Ace hardware store) that was only accessable by car and there was absolutely no open campus lunches you ate the horrible shit they made and you ENJOYED IT.

It was the last quarter of the year and it was bumpy.  I didn't understand the two lunch system (there's an A lunch and a B lunch. After your 4th hour class if you were in group A you went to lunch for an hour THEN you went to your next class. If you were in B group after 4th you'd go to your 5th hour class THEN you went to lunch) as in Mississippi the entire school went to lunch at once. Seems efficient right? Well it's not. Giant lines and often times the cafeteria would run out of food.  However the school system in Vegas treated you like a young adult. While in Mississippi they treated you like a slave or an inmate. I mean in Mississippi when we got our lunches we had to recite a number. If you didn't know your number you didn't eat for the day.

Eventually after dealing with several write ups for skipping my 5th hour class and going to lunch for 2 hours along with getting used to navigating a school thats three times as big as your old high school and accusations of being illegally enrolled in a school. Yeah thats right. Illegally enrolled in a school. Let me explain






For those of you who don't know. This is the good ole state of Mississippi and all of its counties. I lived in Wilkinson County which is in the lower left corner of the state.

 The city that I went to school in was as its listed above is Woodville. What this map doesn't show you and I couldn't find one that did show you are all the suburbs, communities and housing areas all over Wilkinson county. Since technically they aren't cities but they are there. You have areas such as Buffalo, Doloraso and I can't think of any others at the moment. The point being everyone inside Wilkinson county was bussed into Woodville to go to the same school. Elementary and high school was conjoined.  Often times it meant you had to get up at 5am to ride the buss to be into school at 8am. Then leave at 3:30-4:00 to be at home at 6:00-6:30 depending.  It was horrible.

http://www.ccsd.net/schools/zoning/maps/hs-attendance-boundaries.pdf

Here is a link to the map for the school district in clark county. There is probably 15-25 schools there. Since I didn't  know my address and I couldn't explain to anyone where I lived they assumed I lived in a different area and I was illegally enrolled in school. There was a 2week period where I was temporarily ex-pulsed and  I wasn't allowed to go to any school until my parents came down with proof of residency which we didn't have since we just moved back. It's a big deal because schools get allotted resources based on what their projected estimates are for the year. Illegal enrollments take money from schools that aren't budgeted for them and creates huge issues with resources.

 I made some friends and slowly started working my way through the social system again. I mean don't they say in high school the friends you make there will be the friends you have for the rest of your life or something stupid? I figured I could do it. I made some friends. I joined the drama group. Those kids were kooky and weird just like me! I finish the year out and make plans to try to meet friends and go from there. I even have some girls approach me and tell me that they liked me. WHAT KIND OF BIZZARO WORLD WAS I IN? Then it happened.

We moved.

So the deal on the house we put in didn't quite come through like it should have and they were unwinding the deal. My parents were sour from dealing with trying to get into a house and found a 2br apartment. They waited until the last possible moment to spring the news because they weren't sure how I was gonna act.

I flipped out. I was beyond upset. I couldn't believe they were doing this to me again. I worked hard finishing out the year and making friends and doing all this crap. The only advice they could give me was "well if you did it once you can do it again right?" No. Fuck that shit. I was done. I mean what's the point if they were going to pull the rug out from under me again? Fucking no. So at this new high school I spent my last two years not giving a single fuck about anything. Making friends, academics, or anything. Which then lead to me being annoyed and irritated by people who had the joys of making friends, not moving, and dealing with the same groups of people their whole life. To this day I feel resent towards those people. Those feelings carried on into my pofessional career where now I'm not trying to make friends with people. I just wanna do my job then get the fuck out.

Now I realize how stupid and immature I was. Now I feel like I'm too old (which is a recurring thing in my life) to make friends or that I don't know how to do it as an adult. So I don't. I just sit at home and play video games. Which is something I enjoy while looking out the window yearning for something more.. or a new video game.

Moving to California (HEY LOOK DIGRESSION) is a great place for me to try to come to terms with that part of myself and try my hand and making friends as an adult, exchanging email/cell numbers, scheduling dates to hang out with people and try to intermix with their group of friends. It horrifies me.. but we'll see how this works.

FATFACE.JPG

So let's talk about body image. I'll try to keep the tumblr level of this post somewhat low because I don't want to devolve into one of those curmudgeons. I weight 248lbs (108 kilos for my metric friends) This is probably the heaviest I've been in my life. Now before you all shreik and recoil in horror at my weight let me share another thing with you. I'm 6'5''. So now my weight doesn't seem like that big of a deal right?

Well it is to me. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Most of the weight came from around when my mom died since all I did was mostly eat and just lay in the bed. Hey I'm not trying to be a broken record here. My mom dying was a huge deal for me. It's gotten to the point now where I'm seriously skipping meals. I'm maybe down to eating  a meal a day with some healthy snacks. Sometimes depending I'll just skip meals altogether. Is what I'm doing healthy? No. Is it giving me the results I want? You bet your ass. I was 280lbs earlier this year when I went to PAX. Thats when I deceided something needed to be done. No crazy diets or taking any pills. Just eating less and trying not to be as sedentary. Since I've started working in IT I've spent a lot of time just sitting on my ass. I've starting doing some Kung Fu and I have some personal training  with some MMA/Bouncer guys during the week. I also spend some time at my job using the freeweights that they have as attempt to not be so god damned weak. I have no muscle mass. I'm litterally just a wheat aldente sphagetti noodle.

While I'm not getting the results I want (Hey, I wanna be skinny and beautiful and I want it now) I'm happy with whats happening. If you asked me for a goal I'd have to say its either get down 200lbs (90kilos) or less or to just not be as fat and as lethargic as I've become. Maybe get this gut and these thunder thighs I have under control. There's nothing I can do about the stretch marks I've got from gaining weight. I guess that means I wont be taking my shirt off anywhere anytime soon.

If all goes well I might be going to California and there they have an entirely different standard of beauty. I'm like a 8 in Vegas which filters down to like a 5-6 in California.. and its not like I have a super great personality to make it up for it.

Now I'm sure there are people out there that will say things like "Your weight doesn't determine who you are" and "You should be happy with you no matter what" blah blah. I appreciate your kind words but you have to realize. If there's something about you that you don't like you always the power and the option to change it. Well except being black, you're pretty screwed if you're black. BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT POST FOR A DIFFERENT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Oh god. Maybe I do have body dismorphia

Continum Shift

I was going to continue writing those exerts from me growing up but then I realized it made me abysmally depressed. For those of you who don't know my mom passed away recently and it was something that really knocked me for a loop. I spiraled into depression.  I didn't know what to do with my life. I just sat around and stayed in the bed for an extended period of time. Maybe I'll get into that later into a different blog but I'm not feeling so mopey right now so that will have to wait.

I actually have no idea what to do with this blog other than just write random shit about random things and try to let people into my life. I'm somewhat of a private person. I'm definitely not the type of person who's just gonna walk up to some random guy on the street and start talking about my life. That's how you get serial killed and that's not something I'm looking for in my life just yet.

The next major thing that's happening in my life is I'll be moving to LA to stay with my dad and hopefully get enrolled in college so I can have the college experience I never had. Vegas is full of a lot of bad memories (mostly relating to my dad mom) and its a city that I feel has run its course. This just isn't a city for me. I'm not looking to go out and party at night and get white girl wasted and fight a guy or two. I just want to find some events, do somethings, meet new people and have fun. A good number of people in Vegas seem to be pre-occupied with partying.

I like playing video games; mostly fighting games.  I've been playing them all my life. You'd think "Video games are popular right? You should totally be able to find a place to do that in Vegas?" Well you're wrong. We have zero arcades that are not located inside a casino or ones that would let us bring our own equipment and leech off of the power.  People here don't really want to leave their house and do things. I'm guilty of this too at times but my reasoning is "I'm not going to drive an hour across town to play some games for 30-40 minutes because I have to get back across town to go to work or sleep in time to be able to go to work." We used to have a centralized place in Vegas where everyone would play. They closed though.. claiming the rent was "too high" Sure. Whatever.

I enjoy "japanese culture" I know how 'weeaboo' that sounds but hear me out. I grew up watching martial arts movies with my dad on sundays with Kung Fu theatre. Yeah you know, those terribly dubbed martial art movies. Then we bridged over to anime and from there I was able to get into manga and find out more about japan. There its okay to be a "nerd" they have a culture that embraces it. You see salarymen on the train with a DS playing pokemon and no one is calling them a pedophile. It's not uncommon to see a bunch of salary workers at an arcade playing games after work. Everyone reads manga and watches anime there. It's not something thats "for kids" just like people in America crowd around a T.V. and watch Walking Dead the same happens there but with One Piece. So many hobbies and activities in America have connotation of being "for kids" and people that are into those hobbies need to "grow up" and its fucking infuriating.

Sorry I went off on a little tangent there. Digression: I'm really looking forward to this LA trip just so I can have a change of scenery and be somewhere else and possibly re-invent myself. Plus the ocean!