Work Depression

Work makes me so god damn depressed. I feel like I'm capable of so much more and I'm stuck sitting here being a computer mechanic. Not that there's anything wrong with a computer mechanic. It's a great career that will always be in demand. People will always be too stupid to know how to use a computer. Google is free!!! I guess I shouldn't complain too much because I'd be out of a job.

Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'd be enough to light a fire under my ass to get me to do anything.

I've been stuck in a middle class kind of muck. I've reached comfort at the sake of challenge or stimulation and I'm kicking myself for it.

I've been doing some research into my family tree. It's pretty awesome to look and see just how far my families have come. Unfortunately the bloodline ends with me as the last thing I want to do is have children. I was able to trace my paternal ultra great grandpa back to the 1800s where he was born in Mexico, pretty wild. On my moms side everything is a bit of a mess but my sister has been able to help me fill out some stuff. It's only served to make me a bit irritated.

I want to be angry that none of my maternal family thought to consolidate wealth and power to create something for future generations. Well at least my mom didn't. I'll never know the whole story but I'm sure she was living a fast and loose life before birthing children and didn't think about anything until it was too late. Life comes at you fast.

I have an uncle, who you would think that I'd have a close relationship with, lives in Calabasas. I'll say that again, Calabasas, you know where the Kardashians be at.

What in the sweet fuck?

His wife is a celeb. He has owned multiple businesses. His son has like 60k followers on instagram* and meets celebs and famous people every day. That kid is going to be set for life. Yet here I am struggling to save up 20% for a downpayment on a house or deciding if I want to deal with the whole process of getting a FHA Loan or not.

Clearly this man has nothing to want to do with me. He's never called, texted, emailed or anything. I've tried reaching out because I want to forge a relationship with him. He's my uncle. I don't want any money from him. I don't want anything from him other than some wisdom and hear stories of time long gone. He just seems to be a miser who has his life set and doesn't give a shit about anyone else.

Not that I can blame him. If I had money I'd probably do the same.. but its not like I have a huge family of people that would need to be dependent on me. Everyone is pretty much self sufficient and taking care of themselves. They might be doing it poorly or with government assistance but they're doing it.

If I had the means I'd take care of all that I could. Unfortunately, I don't so I can only take care of me. Which is proving to be an uphill battle. The concept of family is so weird. Everything is all 3 Musketeers until money comes into the picture and that's when things start getting ugly.

Paternally everyone in my family is poor. Rural Mississippi poor. However they continue to this day to show me love. They're always there when I need them. They're there to provide support in anyway they can. They show me what family and love is about. It's not about money. It's about the bond.

To get off my "why am I not rich" train. I recently started counseling and I think it's going to prove to be a big help. I have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things because it is insanely easy for me to spiral out of control and sit helpless wondering if anything is worth it. I recently had a consultation Monday and the person was amazing. She's black and I feel comfortable talking to her about a lot of things. She doesn't sit in judgement but rather sits next to me and helps me navigate all this shit that's going on in my head. I have my first appointment on Monday and I'm excited.

Its part of the reason why I've started picking this back up. Writing helps me get all these thoughts in my head out of my system. If I don't get things out, I keep them inside and they just eat away at me. 4

I've gotten bored of writing so I'm going to cut it here. Until next time.

*Yes I know its gross but we've reached a point in our society where being an influencer is a legitimate career choice. Yet he doesn't even do that. He just posts for clout and flexing.