I'm tired and grumpy.

My Moms birthday is coming up and that explains why I've been in a weird mood lately. I don't know if I should pay homage and respect to her or if thats a bad way of hanging onto the past and not  "letting go." Part of me doesn't want to let go. I don't want to forget my mother. She was a great impact and infulence in my life. It was because of her wisdom and guidance I became the person I am today, well along with a little smoothing out for the world.

I promised my mother I would graduate college I still plan on doing it. Though it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try I'm being thrown a bunch of curveballs that stops me from being able to complete that goal. I haven't given up on it yet. Though I feel like I should. Everyone I talk to tells me that ultimately college is a waste of time and money though surprisingly that is something that comes from people who've been through college. Should I listen to them and take their opinions to heart and just save the money and move on to something else? I mean I'd be investing quite a bit of money (which I dont have) and time (which I guess I have a lot of) but I'd be breaking a promise I made to my mother.

I wonder if my mom is proud of me or rather if she would be proud of me where I am. I have a car, I have a job, I have someone in my life that I care deeply about to the point where I'd move to the ends of the earth as long as I got to keep them in my life. However I don't have the best job or the best car. I'm working a job that keeps me in a constant state of ennui and pays me just enough so I can put a little away and continue to get to work which is pretty bad but I guess its life.

Nonsencial semi-exhausted ramblings. I'm sure I'll be back later.

I think too much.

Deep down inside I feel like I'm going to screw up a good thing because I can't stop thinking about all of the negatives and not focus on the positives. I tried being positive it's just not who I am.

SIDOFJsidfjagjg.

I wish I had all the answers and everything had nice little neat boxes they can go into so I can make life work for me. It doesn't work that way.

Oh right.. this is a thing.

I didn't forget (I totally forgot)

Updates coming soon.

Not dead.

Hooray.

Happy Holidays!

Two thirds of the hard part is done! I've successfully done two major holidays alone and I haven't killed myself. Not that I was thinking about doing it or anything. Well maybe I was sub-conciously thinking about it. Since every social media outlet I had was flooded with friends and family enjoying the holidays but I digress, somewhat.

So since my mother died and my sister has relocated against her will to Jean, Nevada. This was really my first Holiday season alone. Now to be fair the Holidays were never really much in my household. Thanksgiving was synonymous with my birthday growing up. So we'd always have a really big meal and a lot of the food choices were of my direction. It made me feel like I was in charge. I'd get gifts nothing major really. I always just wanted a specific video game and a few subscriptions to video game magazines and I was set. Eventually as my mom got older we kinda wound down all the Thanksgiving stuff. She didn't want to cook, neither did my sister or I. My dad tried one year. All we managed to do was complain how everything was wrong. What a great family we were right?

Christmas was kind of more of the same. My mom from as far back as I can remember didn't tell me about "Santa Claus" and explained to me how he wasn't real. She was the one getting all the gifts, wrapping them and hiding them. She also explained to me that some kids believe in Santa and that it was okay that they did so. I didn't need to take the wind out of their sails and tell them what Santa wasn't real (I now realize this is how she was preparing me to deal with religion) All of the gifts I usually got during Christmas were necessities. Lots of clothes, shoes, AA batteries, stuff for the new year. Sometimes I'd get video games or toys thrown in there. The reasoning for this is that unlike most families I wasn't limited to two times a year to get gifts. I got stuff year round. When I got my Sega genesis. I just came home and it was set up on the TV. I didn't even notice it for the first hour.

So they holidays were really just about spending time with my family. We were very close and very tight-knit. We didn't have a lot to do with our extended families. We just kept to our selves and did our own thing. Except this year. I had no family. I just muddled around the apartment clearly depressed but not wanting to admit it.

Next is New Years which we really didn't have a huge tradition. We'd spend time together as my mother and father firmly believed that "Whatever you're doing at the beginning of the new year is what you're going to spend that new year doing." Oh we'd also put beans in our purses and wallets.. but I don't even know what that was about.

The real issue here is that my mother passed away new years of last year. So let's see if I can get through this without hanging myself off of the balcony! If you guys don't hear from me on Jan. 2nd. I'm so sorry but I love you all!

Introversion Issue 2

Introversion Issues