Black History Month

We recently had a Black History Month celebration at work. It was nice to be apart of a discussion around blackness and our history that didn't have to do with slavery and/or oppression. While I am not ignorant to the struggle and the plights of my ancestors before me. I am more than just slavery and oppression.

I have always found it to be a bit of a struggle to relate with my people. I've had a lot of hobbies that, well, I don't think it's fair to say are "white" hobbies. Even though growing up I was constantly told that. I think it's fairer to say hobbies that are generally filled with people who don't match up to me with a similar ethnic background.

Deep down inside I feel as if to be "black" you have to do certain things or behave a certain   way. Which is crazy because I know that I don't but I still feel like I have to? When typing this out I'm immediately reminded of a Ron Swanson quote: 

Ron Swanson: “Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I've won an award.”

Everything I do is what black people do, because I am a black person. 

However it is always tiring being the only black person. The only black voice. The only representative of an entire group of people. I could definitely seek out more spaces for people that look like me but those spaces might not necessarily align with my interests but that seems a little disingenuous? Like I'm just here for the black folx. Something if any non-black person did it would seem as if they had impure motives. 

I don't know. I don't have the answer for this. For the feelings that I'm feeling. What I can do to alleviate them. 

The only thing I can really do is move-forward and be my authentic code-switching self and hopefully snag up a few more irl black friends a long the way just so I can have some people to hang out with.

Work Depression

Work makes me so god damn depressed. I feel like I'm capable of so much more and I'm stuck sitting here being a computer mechanic. Not that there's anything wrong with a computer mechanic. It's a great career that will always be in demand. People will always be too stupid to know how to use a computer. Google is free!!! I guess I shouldn't complain too much because I'd be out of a job.

Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'd be enough to light a fire under my ass to get me to do anything.

I've been stuck in a middle class kind of muck. I've reached comfort at the sake of challenge or stimulation and I'm kicking myself for it.

I've been doing some research into my family tree. It's pretty awesome to look and see just how far my families have come. Unfortunately the bloodline ends with me as the last thing I want to do is have children. I was able to trace my paternal ultra great grandpa back to the 1800s where he was born in Mexico, pretty wild. On my moms side everything is a bit of a mess but my sister has been able to help me fill out some stuff. It's only served to make me a bit irritated.

I want to be angry that none of my maternal family thought to consolidate wealth and power to create something for future generations. Well at least my mom didn't. I'll never know the whole story but I'm sure she was living a fast and loose life before birthing children and didn't think about anything until it was too late. Life comes at you fast.

I have an uncle, who you would think that I'd have a close relationship with, lives in Calabasas. I'll say that again, Calabasas, you know where the Kardashians be at.

What in the sweet fuck?

His wife is a celeb. He has owned multiple businesses. His son has like 60k followers on instagram* and meets celebs and famous people every day. That kid is going to be set for life. Yet here I am struggling to save up 20% for a downpayment on a house or deciding if I want to deal with the whole process of getting a FHA Loan or not.

Clearly this man has nothing to want to do with me. He's never called, texted, emailed or anything. I've tried reaching out because I want to forge a relationship with him. He's my uncle. I don't want any money from him. I don't want anything from him other than some wisdom and hear stories of time long gone. He just seems to be a miser who has his life set and doesn't give a shit about anyone else.

Not that I can blame him. If I had money I'd probably do the same.. but its not like I have a huge family of people that would need to be dependent on me. Everyone is pretty much self sufficient and taking care of themselves. They might be doing it poorly or with government assistance but they're doing it.

If I had the means I'd take care of all that I could. Unfortunately, I don't so I can only take care of me. Which is proving to be an uphill battle. The concept of family is so weird. Everything is all 3 Musketeers until money comes into the picture and that's when things start getting ugly.

Paternally everyone in my family is poor. Rural Mississippi poor. However they continue to this day to show me love. They're always there when I need them. They're there to provide support in anyway they can. They show me what family and love is about. It's not about money. It's about the bond.

To get off my "why am I not rich" train. I recently started counseling and I think it's going to prove to be a big help. I have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things because it is insanely easy for me to spiral out of control and sit helpless wondering if anything is worth it. I recently had a consultation Monday and the person was amazing. She's black and I feel comfortable talking to her about a lot of things. She doesn't sit in judgement but rather sits next to me and helps me navigate all this shit that's going on in my head. I have my first appointment on Monday and I'm excited.

Its part of the reason why I've started picking this back up. Writing helps me get all these thoughts in my head out of my system. If I don't get things out, I keep them inside and they just eat away at me. 4

I've gotten bored of writing so I'm going to cut it here. Until next time.

*Yes I know its gross but we've reached a point in our society where being an influencer is a legitimate career choice. Yet he doesn't even do that. He just posts for clout and flexing.

A triumphant return?

I do not like my job. I enjoy my career of fixing computers and problem solving but working at a big company like Tableau is a nightmare. They do not care about making the department more efficient. They want a warm body, a cog, to make sure things get done.

The rules are constantly changing. Documentation is old and outdated and is of no priority to fix. My manager asked me, a new person to fix documentation as I go along but why are none of the senior members of the team being given the task of making sure documentation is up to par. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I do not like my city.

Seattle sucks. The weather is not for me. If you enjoy grey overcast and rain this is the city for you. The people while open and accepting are cold and distance. The Seattle Freeze is real y'all.

I want to own a home but I'm conflicted. The idea of owning a MFD is great but I'd have to move all the way across the country for it. I don't know if Philadelphia is for me to live in but it is to acquire wealth. Gentrification HO!

I'm tired of renting. I want to own a home but all the options and avenues for owning a home are exhausting. I know the one thing I want to do is purchase something foreclosed/at auction to save money.  The idea of a getting a MFD to live in and have pay for itself is great. It seems like a big step. Especially with the whole moving across country thing.

Maybe its possible to own homes in a different region and have a property management company handle it. I've read that a lot of them only charge 10% (of rent?) so it seems like a great thing to be able to do.  You're responsible for financing and securing the home. They do all the other shit. WIN/WIN

I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed by my job. I want to leave here throwing up as many middle fingers as possible but I'm trying to reach a goal to buy a home. I need liquid to throw up a down payment and who knows how much more I'm going to need after that once you consider, repairs, furniture, etc.

Why couldn't I just be born rich?

California Bound!

This time next week I'll be in California. I'm so excited, nervous and worried at the same time. I've decided that I'm going to try to focus my efforts on getting into the game industry. I've been thinking about trying to find an IT job which is great and all. They pay good money often times for reasonable companies, the issue is that I just don't like the work. Its boring and repetitive and I have to deal with the most untech savvy people ever.

Now, I know what you're going to say. Almost all work is boring and repetitive. Especially if I'm looking to start at the bottom and land a terrible paying QA job and attempt to work my way up from there. This is what I want to do with my life.

I'm tired and grumpy.

My Moms birthday is coming up and that explains why I've been in a weird mood lately. I don't know if I should pay homage and respect to her or if thats a bad way of hanging onto the past and not  "letting go." Part of me doesn't want to let go. I don't want to forget my mother. She was a great impact and infulence in my life. It was because of her wisdom and guidance I became the person I am today, well along with a little smoothing out for the world.

I promised my mother I would graduate college I still plan on doing it. Though it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try I'm being thrown a bunch of curveballs that stops me from being able to complete that goal. I haven't given up on it yet. Though I feel like I should. Everyone I talk to tells me that ultimately college is a waste of time and money though surprisingly that is something that comes from people who've been through college. Should I listen to them and take their opinions to heart and just save the money and move on to something else? I mean I'd be investing quite a bit of money (which I dont have) and time (which I guess I have a lot of) but I'd be breaking a promise I made to my mother.

I wonder if my mom is proud of me or rather if she would be proud of me where I am. I have a car, I have a job, I have someone in my life that I care deeply about to the point where I'd move to the ends of the earth as long as I got to keep them in my life. However I don't have the best job or the best car. I'm working a job that keeps me in a constant state of ennui and pays me just enough so I can put a little away and continue to get to work which is pretty bad but I guess its life.

Nonsencial semi-exhausted ramblings. I'm sure I'll be back later.

I think too much.

Deep down inside I feel like I'm going to screw up a good thing because I can't stop thinking about all of the negatives and not focus on the positives. I tried being positive it's just not who I am.

SIDOFJsidfjagjg.

I wish I had all the answers and everything had nice little neat boxes they can go into so I can make life work for me. It doesn't work that way.

Oh right.. this is a thing.

I didn't forget (I totally forgot)

Updates coming soon.

Not dead.

Hooray.

Happy Holidays!

Two thirds of the hard part is done! I've successfully done two major holidays alone and I haven't killed myself. Not that I was thinking about doing it or anything. Well maybe I was sub-conciously thinking about it. Since every social media outlet I had was flooded with friends and family enjoying the holidays but I digress, somewhat.

So since my mother died and my sister has relocated against her will to Jean, Nevada. This was really my first Holiday season alone. Now to be fair the Holidays were never really much in my household. Thanksgiving was synonymous with my birthday growing up. So we'd always have a really big meal and a lot of the food choices were of my direction. It made me feel like I was in charge. I'd get gifts nothing major really. I always just wanted a specific video game and a few subscriptions to video game magazines and I was set. Eventually as my mom got older we kinda wound down all the Thanksgiving stuff. She didn't want to cook, neither did my sister or I. My dad tried one year. All we managed to do was complain how everything was wrong. What a great family we were right?

Christmas was kind of more of the same. My mom from as far back as I can remember didn't tell me about "Santa Claus" and explained to me how he wasn't real. She was the one getting all the gifts, wrapping them and hiding them. She also explained to me that some kids believe in Santa and that it was okay that they did so. I didn't need to take the wind out of their sails and tell them what Santa wasn't real (I now realize this is how she was preparing me to deal with religion) All of the gifts I usually got during Christmas were necessities. Lots of clothes, shoes, AA batteries, stuff for the new year. Sometimes I'd get video games or toys thrown in there. The reasoning for this is that unlike most families I wasn't limited to two times a year to get gifts. I got stuff year round. When I got my Sega genesis. I just came home and it was set up on the TV. I didn't even notice it for the first hour.

So they holidays were really just about spending time with my family. We were very close and very tight-knit. We didn't have a lot to do with our extended families. We just kept to our selves and did our own thing. Except this year. I had no family. I just muddled around the apartment clearly depressed but not wanting to admit it.

Next is New Years which we really didn't have a huge tradition. We'd spend time together as my mother and father firmly believed that "Whatever you're doing at the beginning of the new year is what you're going to spend that new year doing." Oh we'd also put beans in our purses and wallets.. but I don't even know what that was about.

The real issue here is that my mother passed away new years of last year. So let's see if I can get through this without hanging myself off of the balcony! If you guys don't hear from me on Jan. 2nd. I'm so sorry but I love you all!

Introversion Issue 2

Introversion Issues

Left hand rule.

Let's talk about my move to LA. My dad said its totally okay with him if I move to Califonia and stay with him to go to school. I've decided to take him up on his offer. It'll give me a chance to try to go to school full time which is something I've been wanting to do for quite sometime but as it stands now the only thing I can do is go to work to earn just enough money to survive and keep my head above water. I've made promises to several people in my life that I'd graduate college. No matter how long it takes. Its something that I'm going to do no matter how long it takes.

I'm excited and terrified to move to California at the same time. It's a new place filled with culture and history. I've visited several times and it seems like the place is the city for me. Major metropolitan city that'll I'll be able to discover and explore. The downside? I wont know anyone and I'll be totally alone. I wont have any friends or any acquaintances. It'll just be me and the big city.

You might think "Oh that's no problem. Just make friends!" That's not quite something I've learned how to do. When I was 6 years old we moved to Mississippi which was a complete culture shock. I went from living in Vegas to the god damn boondocks of Mississippi. Everything was new and different it took me quite some time to get adjusted. I was constantly teased and made fun of school because I was different. To them I talked funny, wore weird clothes and didn't understand all of their customs. Eventually I just faked my way through until I figured out what was going on. However little did I know I was always going to be "that one weird kid" from the city for the rest of my time in school there and it was horrible. Sure I had my family and they always had my back but from outside of that I was fodder for everyone and their crude remarks. People always lashed out at me because they were insecure with themselves. Have girls tell you everyday that you're ugly and funny looking and no girl will ever like you will wear down anyone with enough time. Later to only find out that these girls LIKED me but didn't know how to express it. What kind of fucked up shit is that? I asked my dad was was going on since he was from here. These were his stomping grounds. Surely he could shine some light onto the situation. The only thing he could tell me is "That's just the way it is.."

 Then puberty hits and that's just giant gap of awkward combined with being forever excluded in a school system really fucks with you. Eventually I rounded out my puberty and when 10th grade hit thanks to my academics, quick wit (which was often called 'sass' and was seen as being disrespectful) and my laissez-faire approach to dealing with people I slowly felt myself carving a niche in the dirty dirty souf. Then it happened.

We moved.

My mom told me roughly 3 days before we were moving that it was happening. My last day of school when they came to pick me up I sat in the back of our van and cried. I mean I finally did it. I made my way into these people and carved myself out as an individual. Now I get to do it all over again in a strange new world? Well if I could do it once I can do it again.


Back to Vegas. Which is a good thing right? Back to civilization. Dealing with people who pronounce ALL of letters in words! Except one thing.. after being in the South for so long I adapted my ways to deal with them. Super thick country accent and would talk very loud for no reason. I wasn't quite aware of somethings like having to BUY lunch as  in the south it was provided for you. We also had the option to LEAVE the school for lunch. There were several fast food places around the school and if you were one of the fortunate to have a car you could DRIVE where you wanted to go. In Mississippi there was only one real fast food place (well two if you count the subway inside the Ace hardware store) that was only accessable by car and there was absolutely no open campus lunches you ate the horrible shit they made and you ENJOYED IT.

It was the last quarter of the year and it was bumpy.  I didn't understand the two lunch system (there's an A lunch and a B lunch. After your 4th hour class if you were in group A you went to lunch for an hour THEN you went to your next class. If you were in B group after 4th you'd go to your 5th hour class THEN you went to lunch) as in Mississippi the entire school went to lunch at once. Seems efficient right? Well it's not. Giant lines and often times the cafeteria would run out of food.  However the school system in Vegas treated you like a young adult. While in Mississippi they treated you like a slave or an inmate. I mean in Mississippi when we got our lunches we had to recite a number. If you didn't know your number you didn't eat for the day.

Eventually after dealing with several write ups for skipping my 5th hour class and going to lunch for 2 hours along with getting used to navigating a school thats three times as big as your old high school and accusations of being illegally enrolled in a school. Yeah thats right. Illegally enrolled in a school. Let me explain






For those of you who don't know. This is the good ole state of Mississippi and all of its counties. I lived in Wilkinson County which is in the lower left corner of the state.

 The city that I went to school in was as its listed above is Woodville. What this map doesn't show you and I couldn't find one that did show you are all the suburbs, communities and housing areas all over Wilkinson county. Since technically they aren't cities but they are there. You have areas such as Buffalo, Doloraso and I can't think of any others at the moment. The point being everyone inside Wilkinson county was bussed into Woodville to go to the same school. Elementary and high school was conjoined.  Often times it meant you had to get up at 5am to ride the buss to be into school at 8am. Then leave at 3:30-4:00 to be at home at 6:00-6:30 depending.  It was horrible.

http://www.ccsd.net/schools/zoning/maps/hs-attendance-boundaries.pdf

Here is a link to the map for the school district in clark county. There is probably 15-25 schools there. Since I didn't  know my address and I couldn't explain to anyone where I lived they assumed I lived in a different area and I was illegally enrolled in school. There was a 2week period where I was temporarily ex-pulsed and  I wasn't allowed to go to any school until my parents came down with proof of residency which we didn't have since we just moved back. It's a big deal because schools get allotted resources based on what their projected estimates are for the year. Illegal enrollments take money from schools that aren't budgeted for them and creates huge issues with resources.

 I made some friends and slowly started working my way through the social system again. I mean don't they say in high school the friends you make there will be the friends you have for the rest of your life or something stupid? I figured I could do it. I made some friends. I joined the drama group. Those kids were kooky and weird just like me! I finish the year out and make plans to try to meet friends and go from there. I even have some girls approach me and tell me that they liked me. WHAT KIND OF BIZZARO WORLD WAS I IN? Then it happened.

We moved.

So the deal on the house we put in didn't quite come through like it should have and they were unwinding the deal. My parents were sour from dealing with trying to get into a house and found a 2br apartment. They waited until the last possible moment to spring the news because they weren't sure how I was gonna act.

I flipped out. I was beyond upset. I couldn't believe they were doing this to me again. I worked hard finishing out the year and making friends and doing all this crap. The only advice they could give me was "well if you did it once you can do it again right?" No. Fuck that shit. I was done. I mean what's the point if they were going to pull the rug out from under me again? Fucking no. So at this new high school I spent my last two years not giving a single fuck about anything. Making friends, academics, or anything. Which then lead to me being annoyed and irritated by people who had the joys of making friends, not moving, and dealing with the same groups of people their whole life. To this day I feel resent towards those people. Those feelings carried on into my pofessional career where now I'm not trying to make friends with people. I just wanna do my job then get the fuck out.

Now I realize how stupid and immature I was. Now I feel like I'm too old (which is a recurring thing in my life) to make friends or that I don't know how to do it as an adult. So I don't. I just sit at home and play video games. Which is something I enjoy while looking out the window yearning for something more.. or a new video game.

Moving to California (HEY LOOK DIGRESSION) is a great place for me to try to come to terms with that part of myself and try my hand and making friends as an adult, exchanging email/cell numbers, scheduling dates to hang out with people and try to intermix with their group of friends. It horrifies me.. but we'll see how this works.

FATFACE.JPG

So let's talk about body image. I'll try to keep the tumblr level of this post somewhat low because I don't want to devolve into one of those curmudgeons. I weight 248lbs (108 kilos for my metric friends) This is probably the heaviest I've been in my life. Now before you all shreik and recoil in horror at my weight let me share another thing with you. I'm 6'5''. So now my weight doesn't seem like that big of a deal right?

Well it is to me. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Most of the weight came from around when my mom died since all I did was mostly eat and just lay in the bed. Hey I'm not trying to be a broken record here. My mom dying was a huge deal for me. It's gotten to the point now where I'm seriously skipping meals. I'm maybe down to eating  a meal a day with some healthy snacks. Sometimes depending I'll just skip meals altogether. Is what I'm doing healthy? No. Is it giving me the results I want? You bet your ass. I was 280lbs earlier this year when I went to PAX. Thats when I deceided something needed to be done. No crazy diets or taking any pills. Just eating less and trying not to be as sedentary. Since I've started working in IT I've spent a lot of time just sitting on my ass. I've starting doing some Kung Fu and I have some personal training  with some MMA/Bouncer guys during the week. I also spend some time at my job using the freeweights that they have as attempt to not be so god damned weak. I have no muscle mass. I'm litterally just a wheat aldente sphagetti noodle.

While I'm not getting the results I want (Hey, I wanna be skinny and beautiful and I want it now) I'm happy with whats happening. If you asked me for a goal I'd have to say its either get down 200lbs (90kilos) or less or to just not be as fat and as lethargic as I've become. Maybe get this gut and these thunder thighs I have under control. There's nothing I can do about the stretch marks I've got from gaining weight. I guess that means I wont be taking my shirt off anywhere anytime soon.

If all goes well I might be going to California and there they have an entirely different standard of beauty. I'm like a 8 in Vegas which filters down to like a 5-6 in California.. and its not like I have a super great personality to make it up for it.

Now I'm sure there are people out there that will say things like "Your weight doesn't determine who you are" and "You should be happy with you no matter what" blah blah. I appreciate your kind words but you have to realize. If there's something about you that you don't like you always the power and the option to change it. Well except being black, you're pretty screwed if you're black. BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT POST FOR A DIFFERENT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Oh god. Maybe I do have body dismorphia

Continum Shift

I was going to continue writing those exerts from me growing up but then I realized it made me abysmally depressed. For those of you who don't know my mom passed away recently and it was something that really knocked me for a loop. I spiraled into depression.  I didn't know what to do with my life. I just sat around and stayed in the bed for an extended period of time. Maybe I'll get into that later into a different blog but I'm not feeling so mopey right now so that will have to wait.

I actually have no idea what to do with this blog other than just write random shit about random things and try to let people into my life. I'm somewhat of a private person. I'm definitely not the type of person who's just gonna walk up to some random guy on the street and start talking about my life. That's how you get serial killed and that's not something I'm looking for in my life just yet.

The next major thing that's happening in my life is I'll be moving to LA to stay with my dad and hopefully get enrolled in college so I can have the college experience I never had. Vegas is full of a lot of bad memories (mostly relating to my dad mom) and its a city that I feel has run its course. This just isn't a city for me. I'm not looking to go out and party at night and get white girl wasted and fight a guy or two. I just want to find some events, do somethings, meet new people and have fun. A good number of people in Vegas seem to be pre-occupied with partying.

I like playing video games; mostly fighting games.  I've been playing them all my life. You'd think "Video games are popular right? You should totally be able to find a place to do that in Vegas?" Well you're wrong. We have zero arcades that are not located inside a casino or ones that would let us bring our own equipment and leech off of the power.  People here don't really want to leave their house and do things. I'm guilty of this too at times but my reasoning is "I'm not going to drive an hour across town to play some games for 30-40 minutes because I have to get back across town to go to work or sleep in time to be able to go to work." We used to have a centralized place in Vegas where everyone would play. They closed though.. claiming the rent was "too high" Sure. Whatever.

I enjoy "japanese culture" I know how 'weeaboo' that sounds but hear me out. I grew up watching martial arts movies with my dad on sundays with Kung Fu theatre. Yeah you know, those terribly dubbed martial art movies. Then we bridged over to anime and from there I was able to get into manga and find out more about japan. There its okay to be a "nerd" they have a culture that embraces it. You see salarymen on the train with a DS playing pokemon and no one is calling them a pedophile. It's not uncommon to see a bunch of salary workers at an arcade playing games after work. Everyone reads manga and watches anime there. It's not something thats "for kids" just like people in America crowd around a T.V. and watch Walking Dead the same happens there but with One Piece. So many hobbies and activities in America have connotation of being "for kids" and people that are into those hobbies need to "grow up" and its fucking infuriating.

Sorry I went off on a little tangent there. Digression: I'm really looking forward to this LA trip just so I can have a change of scenery and be somewhere else and possibly re-invent myself. Plus the ocean!

Let me curry their favor.

My first year of college was pretty.. interesting. After speaking with the counselor who ended up being completely useless I was able to bypass CIT 100 which is "This is a computer. Here is the power button." But they would not let me test out of anything else. I mean I took programming in high school and by this point I was already fixing my own piece of shit computer so I was fairly advanced when it came to the hardware. None the less I was able to take a "Introductory to Java" class along with some core classes and Japanese! Somehow I ended up with a part time job at the bookstore on campus so I could help my mom with expenses around the house and have some money so I could buy a bus pass. I was balling out of control.

First day of class I bounce into the Java class all bright eyed and bushy tailed I've always been when it came to school. My teacher introduces himself. I have no idea what he said. Maybe I'm just having an off day? The adrenaline of being in college is surging and because of it I'm not able to understand this guy. He starts going on with his lecture and I look around and everyone else has the same puzzled look on his face. They don't know what this guy is saying. He has a very thick Indian(Dot not feather) accent. He'd ask us questions through the lecture and no one answers anything. Which of course sends him into a fit because we should be able to answer the questions he's just given us the answer to right? NOPE. But no one wants to man up and say anything because.. you know.. no one wants to be rude. Except me. Towards the end of the class he gives us a homework assignment and everyone grimaces because no one knows what it is. Seeing the despair amongst everyone's face I decided to bite the bullet and become the hero and savior of the class!

"Professor.. " I raise my hand. I can feel his eyes staring daggers into me. "Can you repeat the homework assignment? I didn't hear it." Again he says something unintelligible. "Professor could you write it down on the board? You have a thick accent. Its a little hard to understand you." At this point he flips completely and goes into the red zone. He starts saying... well a bunch of stuff. I have no idea what it is but its what imagined was a bunch of insults as if I've offended his core being. I keep apologizing and bowing. Why was I bowing I have no ideal... the guy wasn't Asian. Then he looks at me and says in the slowest English ever "I. will. make. sure. you. will. never. pass. a. programming. class. ever."  and stormed out. Everyone in the class kinda just stared at me their eyes saying "Thank you, Savior" but no one having the balls.. methior social aptitude to say anything to me. I go back by the counselors office after class and explain the situation to my counselor. A middle aged African American man. I'd built somewhat of a rapport with him. He was excited that I was a young black male who was pursuing a college education.. pulling myself up by the bootstraps and not falling into trap of the ghetto. Which wasn't really a threat.. I came from  a middle class family with parents who loved and cared about me. The ghetto was the farthest thing away. My parents made me watch MenaceIISociety at a young age.

I explain the situation to him he gets up and closes the door. He tells me "Well that's those Hajis for you." My eyes open wide as if a child just hear a really bad swear word. "They have the entire IT department in between their fingers. They come over here on their sacred cows and lock up whole departments. If he said you're never going to pass a programming class he's probably already sent a message back to the Taj Mahal and you're screwed. The best thing I can recommend is to just drop the class and avoid all last names that aren't American."  I was blown back the amazing amounts of bigotry I was just exposed to. This guy said everything just as plain as vanilla ice cream. Which leads me to believe this is probably a common occurrence and he's not only said it several times but already had a resolution for the situation. I explained to him with my Financial Aid if I dropped the class I had to pay it back Which wasn't really an option for me considering I was raking in an awesome 17 hours a week at the bookstore.  He leaned into his computer.. pulled up my name.. did some clicking around and then he had my out. "Oh I have your answer for you! You're on FAFSA right?" I nod my head, not exactly sure where he's going with this. "Well since you're taking six classes you can drop a maximum of 2 for whatever reason. Still be a full-time student, not have to pay back and still be eligible for FAFSA next year!" I was uneasey with the whole situation. I felt like I was committing some kind of fraud. I didn't want to do to prison. You know what they do to cute guys like me in prison?

I tell the guy its something I'll have to think about. I wanted to go home and run the situation by my mother first and see what she thought of it all. Oh my way out he prints a list and tells me. "There are all the black professors and what classes they teach. If you use this next time you won't have any problems." He nods. Not a normal nod.. the nod you see two black men do on the street so that they acknowledge each other. Come on I know you've seen it! You can admit it. Its not racist. 

I didn't wanna  drop the class. I felt like it was a terrible way to get my college education off to a start. I also had somewhat of a moral objection to doing what was suggested to me. I was kinda worried at first. "Is this the way the world works? Major issues and problems are ignored in favor of bandaid fixes that appeases one party involved? Just so they don't make a big fuss over the whole situation?

I went home to my mother and had a conversation that I'm sure changed me as a person in a very major way.

Every end has a beginning.

When I was a kid.. I had big dreams. I'd finish high school and go to college. I'd meet the girl of my dreams do an internship at a nice fortune 100 company and work there while pursing my masters. Eventually get married and have a nice small wedding off the coast of Italy. I'd work hard at my job.. "the company" I'd call it. Eventually work my way into a nice cushy position..maybe even  make partner while taking vacations every six months to far off and exotic lands. Surprisingly enough things didn't go that way at all!

Oh right I should probably introduce myself. That's how these things usually go right? Let me introduce  myself.   The youngest of three siblings and the only male!! I'm Kasey a mid twenties African America, or as some would say black, male who still has big dreams for the future.. amidst the bouts of despair I have of the past, for the present and for the future.  So stay a while and listen.. and I'll try not to have this end up being too depressing.

So of  course my whole plan for my future was dependent on my future. I graduated high school and my plan was to limp through community college with financial aid and hopefully get accepted to the local university. To be honest I'm a smart person.. I did just enough to get through high school like an average student. I didn't take ACTs or SATs because no one at the highschool I went to didn't really seem to care about its students so they never brought it up.

My dad wanted me to immediately go get a job and head into the workforce, much like he did. Except my dad dropped out of school at around 9th grade and left his country bumpkin life in Mississippi. He made the move to California where he lived in weekly motels and worked moving things at Grand Central Market. So obviously he wanted his only son to follow in his foot steps. EXCEPT. I've never worked a day in my life. I was the baby.. the only son. Everything was handed to me on a silver platter and often times I refused it and demanded a gold one. I mean who would say no?

I pleaded with my dad to let me go to college and try to get a part time job.. maybe at the university? However he was having none of that. I was to get up.. the day after my graduation and start applying to every fast food place within two bus routes and find a job and start working.   There was no wiggle room or anything. So what was there for me to do? The same thing that kids do every time one of their parents do something that they don't like. You tell the other one! After my dad left and went somewhere I burst into my moms bedroom with tear rolling down my face. I leap into her lap and rest my head on her chest.. I know my mother. Anything I ask at this point isn't going to be refused. I could tell my mom some strange man touched me on the bus and she would kill. That man for various reasons this isn't something I went to the well on too many times thought it is always nice to have an Ace. My mom asks me whats going on.. and I explain to her the whole situation with my dad. She gives me a nice deep hug and tells me that I don't have to worry about anything. She was going to go with me to the college tomorrow and help me get registered for some classes. My dad comes home and my parents have the argument to end all arguments... little did I know my little number caused more damage than I could have ever possibly predicted.

My first week of college my parents came to a mutual decision to terminate the contract between them. For those of you who don't get that.. they decided to get a divorce and go their separate ways. Now all parents fight... people are going to disagree.. and sometimes you're not going to be able to bow out gracefully. I figured it was going to be one of those fights where they're mad at each other for a few days and it blows over. Not this time. I guess my dad wanted me to not pursue education was so vile for my mother that she just blew up completely on him and he just couldn't take it. They wanted me to know that it wasn't my fault (Of course it wasn't.. I was just the catalyst that caused the whole fight..) and they both still loved me. My dad was going to stay in Vegas but he found himself a nice small house near a letter named street and would live there while working at my Aunt's(on my moms side) restaurant. I'd continue living with my disabled mother(I'll get to this later.. calm down) in her house provided to her by the government....

I don't know about you guys but I feel like the best way to start is with a nice wholesome story about how a child who's thinking long term.. (and doesn't want to work because he's lazy) caused his parents to get a divorce and split up is the great way to start a blog!