Black History Month

We recently had a Black History Month celebration at work. It was nice to be apart of a discussion around blackness and our history that didn't have to do with slavery and/or oppression. While I am not ignorant to the struggle and the plights of my ancestors before me. I am more than just slavery and oppression.

I have always found it to be a bit of a struggle to relate with my people. I've had a lot of hobbies that, well, I don't think it's fair to say are "white" hobbies. Even though growing up I was constantly told that. I think it's fairer to say hobbies that are generally filled with people who don't match up to me with a similar ethnic background.

Deep down inside I feel as if to be "black" you have to do certain things or behave a certain   way. Which is crazy because I know that I don't but I still feel like I have to? When typing this out I'm immediately reminded of a Ron Swanson quote: 

Ron Swanson: “Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I've won an award.”

Everything I do is what black people do, because I am a black person. 

However it is always tiring being the only black person. The only black voice. The only representative of an entire group of people. I could definitely seek out more spaces for people that look like me but those spaces might not necessarily align with my interests but that seems a little disingenuous? Like I'm just here for the black folx. Something if any non-black person did it would seem as if they had impure motives. 

I don't know. I don't have the answer for this. For the feelings that I'm feeling. What I can do to alleviate them. 

The only thing I can really do is move-forward and be my authentic code-switching self and hopefully snag up a few more irl black friends a long the way just so I can have some people to hang out with.

Work Depression

Work makes me so god damn depressed. I feel like I'm capable of so much more and I'm stuck sitting here being a computer mechanic. Not that there's anything wrong with a computer mechanic. It's a great career that will always be in demand. People will always be too stupid to know how to use a computer. Google is free!!! I guess I shouldn't complain too much because I'd be out of a job.

Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it'd be enough to light a fire under my ass to get me to do anything.

I've been stuck in a middle class kind of muck. I've reached comfort at the sake of challenge or stimulation and I'm kicking myself for it.

I've been doing some research into my family tree. It's pretty awesome to look and see just how far my families have come. Unfortunately the bloodline ends with me as the last thing I want to do is have children. I was able to trace my paternal ultra great grandpa back to the 1800s where he was born in Mexico, pretty wild. On my moms side everything is a bit of a mess but my sister has been able to help me fill out some stuff. It's only served to make me a bit irritated.

I want to be angry that none of my maternal family thought to consolidate wealth and power to create something for future generations. Well at least my mom didn't. I'll never know the whole story but I'm sure she was living a fast and loose life before birthing children and didn't think about anything until it was too late. Life comes at you fast.

I have an uncle, who you would think that I'd have a close relationship with, lives in Calabasas. I'll say that again, Calabasas, you know where the Kardashians be at.

What in the sweet fuck?

His wife is a celeb. He has owned multiple businesses. His son has like 60k followers on instagram* and meets celebs and famous people every day. That kid is going to be set for life. Yet here I am struggling to save up 20% for a downpayment on a house or deciding if I want to deal with the whole process of getting a FHA Loan or not.

Clearly this man has nothing to want to do with me. He's never called, texted, emailed or anything. I've tried reaching out because I want to forge a relationship with him. He's my uncle. I don't want any money from him. I don't want anything from him other than some wisdom and hear stories of time long gone. He just seems to be a miser who has his life set and doesn't give a shit about anyone else.

Not that I can blame him. If I had money I'd probably do the same.. but its not like I have a huge family of people that would need to be dependent on me. Everyone is pretty much self sufficient and taking care of themselves. They might be doing it poorly or with government assistance but they're doing it.

If I had the means I'd take care of all that I could. Unfortunately, I don't so I can only take care of me. Which is proving to be an uphill battle. The concept of family is so weird. Everything is all 3 Musketeers until money comes into the picture and that's when things start getting ugly.

Paternally everyone in my family is poor. Rural Mississippi poor. However they continue to this day to show me love. They're always there when I need them. They're there to provide support in anyway they can. They show me what family and love is about. It's not about money. It's about the bond.

To get off my "why am I not rich" train. I recently started counseling and I think it's going to prove to be a big help. I have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things because it is insanely easy for me to spiral out of control and sit helpless wondering if anything is worth it. I recently had a consultation Monday and the person was amazing. She's black and I feel comfortable talking to her about a lot of things. She doesn't sit in judgement but rather sits next to me and helps me navigate all this shit that's going on in my head. I have my first appointment on Monday and I'm excited.

Its part of the reason why I've started picking this back up. Writing helps me get all these thoughts in my head out of my system. If I don't get things out, I keep them inside and they just eat away at me. 4

I've gotten bored of writing so I'm going to cut it here. Until next time.

*Yes I know its gross but we've reached a point in our society where being an influencer is a legitimate career choice. Yet he doesn't even do that. He just posts for clout and flexing.

A triumphant return?

I do not like my job. I enjoy my career of fixing computers and problem solving but working at a big company like Tableau is a nightmare. They do not care about making the department more efficient. They want a warm body, a cog, to make sure things get done.

The rules are constantly changing. Documentation is old and outdated and is of no priority to fix. My manager asked me, a new person to fix documentation as I go along but why are none of the senior members of the team being given the task of making sure documentation is up to par. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I do not like my city.

Seattle sucks. The weather is not for me. If you enjoy grey overcast and rain this is the city for you. The people while open and accepting are cold and distance. The Seattle Freeze is real y'all.

I want to own a home but I'm conflicted. The idea of owning a MFD is great but I'd have to move all the way across the country for it. I don't know if Philadelphia is for me to live in but it is to acquire wealth. Gentrification HO!

I'm tired of renting. I want to own a home but all the options and avenues for owning a home are exhausting. I know the one thing I want to do is purchase something foreclosed/at auction to save money.  The idea of a getting a MFD to live in and have pay for itself is great. It seems like a big step. Especially with the whole moving across country thing.

Maybe its possible to own homes in a different region and have a property management company handle it. I've read that a lot of them only charge 10% (of rent?) so it seems like a great thing to be able to do.  You're responsible for financing and securing the home. They do all the other shit. WIN/WIN

I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed by my job. I want to leave here throwing up as many middle fingers as possible but I'm trying to reach a goal to buy a home. I need liquid to throw up a down payment and who knows how much more I'm going to need after that once you consider, repairs, furniture, etc.

Why couldn't I just be born rich?

California Bound!

This time next week I'll be in California. I'm so excited, nervous and worried at the same time. I've decided that I'm going to try to focus my efforts on getting into the game industry. I've been thinking about trying to find an IT job which is great and all. They pay good money often times for reasonable companies, the issue is that I just don't like the work. Its boring and repetitive and I have to deal with the most untech savvy people ever.

Now, I know what you're going to say. Almost all work is boring and repetitive. Especially if I'm looking to start at the bottom and land a terrible paying QA job and attempt to work my way up from there. This is what I want to do with my life.

I'm tired and grumpy.

My Moms birthday is coming up and that explains why I've been in a weird mood lately. I don't know if I should pay homage and respect to her or if thats a bad way of hanging onto the past and not  "letting go." Part of me doesn't want to let go. I don't want to forget my mother. She was a great impact and infulence in my life. It was because of her wisdom and guidance I became the person I am today, well along with a little smoothing out for the world.

I promised my mother I would graduate college I still plan on doing it. Though it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try I'm being thrown a bunch of curveballs that stops me from being able to complete that goal. I haven't given up on it yet. Though I feel like I should. Everyone I talk to tells me that ultimately college is a waste of time and money though surprisingly that is something that comes from people who've been through college. Should I listen to them and take their opinions to heart and just save the money and move on to something else? I mean I'd be investing quite a bit of money (which I dont have) and time (which I guess I have a lot of) but I'd be breaking a promise I made to my mother.

I wonder if my mom is proud of me or rather if she would be proud of me where I am. I have a car, I have a job, I have someone in my life that I care deeply about to the point where I'd move to the ends of the earth as long as I got to keep them in my life. However I don't have the best job or the best car. I'm working a job that keeps me in a constant state of ennui and pays me just enough so I can put a little away and continue to get to work which is pretty bad but I guess its life.

Nonsencial semi-exhausted ramblings. I'm sure I'll be back later.

I think too much.

Deep down inside I feel like I'm going to screw up a good thing because I can't stop thinking about all of the negatives and not focus on the positives. I tried being positive it's just not who I am.

SIDOFJsidfjagjg.

I wish I had all the answers and everything had nice little neat boxes they can go into so I can make life work for me. It doesn't work that way.

Oh right.. this is a thing.

I didn't forget (I totally forgot)

Updates coming soon.